Santa's Funky Grooves

What is it about the Christmas season that changes all prior held images of rock iconography and reduces musicians to the likes of Pat Boone and other squeaky-clean crooners? Call me a scrooge but who ever said that Christmas songs had to be happy? Why do we expect the most embittered and enraged artists to eschew the very things that made us enjoy them in the first place just because it happens to be the day after Thanksgiving? The answer: The Christmas Album.

Every year, record companies roll out holiday compilations that turn up the schmaltz with either classic renditions of cheesy Christmas tunes or have artists create their own brand of sap (e.g. Jimmy Buffett's Merry Christmas, Alabama). What should these artists do instead, you may be asking. Should they make sad, angry tunes about suicide and cancer in order to put you in the holiday spirit? Am I suggesting that Madonna sing about Rudolph's inoperable brain tumor or Santa's aching back? Certainly not. I am just looking for a little consistency. If you are a band who have made your living writing songs about social injustice or crushing loneliness, why should this stop just because its Christmas? If your guitarist was a big fan of minor chords and heavy, distorted dirges, why would you simply play the same holiday songs everyone else plays? This is why holiday albums get a reputation for being fake, cliche' and hackneyed. Who wants to hear Twisted Sister cover "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? (Don't believe it exists? The album is Twisted Christmas and believe it or not, it is relatively new, released October 17th, 2006). So, for the sake of your holiday listening, here are The Top 5 Original Holiday Songs. Keep rockin around the Christmas tree.


1. "Christmas in Hollis"-Run D.M.C.: Released in 1989 on a compilation entitled A Very Special Christmas, this track tells the story of a chance encounter between Santa and the badest rap crew this side of the Queens Borough Bridge. The lyrics here are phenomenal and the horn sample is as funky as it gets. But the true genius behind this one is the greeting-card-style message it gets across without stretching the general style of the group beyond what a typical fan of Run D.M.C. would expect. You get clever but warm holiday lyrics, a good story, a funky beat and some clever rhymes. What more could you ask for?


2. "Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto"-James Brown: From his 1995 album Funky Christmas, the Godfather of Soul testifies, singing about Santa bringing toys to those who need them most. James delivers his standard brand of funk and soul with a conscience for the people he grew up with. "Santa Claus, the soul brothers need you," he wails over the juke-and-jive groove. How will Santa get his sleigh to the ghetto, you ask? James suggests he "take it to the bridge!"


3. "I Won't Be Home For Christmas"-Blink 182: Blink 182 has made a career out of destroying punk rock. I mean come on, well-sung harmonies, complex riffs, songs longer than three minutes, so not punk rock. But Blink can always be counted on for clever, catchy, slightly edgy lyrics. So I guess it comes as no surprise that they went with an embittered Christmas anti-anthem, singing about chasing away carrolers with a baseball bat and spending the night in jail. This song has all the bitter rage you would expect from the trio that spent most of the late nineties singing about angst-ridden teen romance over three chord changes and power-chord riffs. This one, though, has a brand of anger that has no filter. It would be easy to write the song off as trite and over the top. But the song is very catchy and, more importantly, Marc Hoppus is very believable as a Christmas-hating asshole.


4. "Happy Xmas (War is Over)"-John Lennon: This song has to be on the list mainly because it is so indicative of its composer. Lennon once said "Imagine there's no countries / It isn't hard to do / Nothing to kill or die for / And no religion too." So it may strike some as ironic that this same man composed a song so widely celebrated as one of the most heartfelt Christmas anthems of our time. But down to his title (notice he uses Xmas, taking Christ literally out of the equation) Lennon seeks to express the universal good tidings of the holiday season. Many saw Lennon as being anti-religion (especially those of our governmental forbearers who tried to have him deported in 1972), but this was a man who was anti-war. He was a messenger for peace first and foremost. He may have seen religion as a precursor to war, a practice that has caused more problems than it solved, but this is a song that reminds us to be thankful for the things that we have and to love and respect each other around this wonderful time of the year. It is a beautiful song that loses nothing of the composer's persona or public iconography. And compare it with McCartney's famous sap-fest "A Wonderful Christmas Time." Yuck!


5. "Linus and Lucy"-Vince Guaraldi Trio: A taxi cab ride in San Francisco is where Charles Shultz and Lee Mendelson (producer of the Peanuts Christmas Special) first heard the Vince Guaraldi Trio. Schultz was in San Fran searching for musicians to score his beloved Peanuts characters through their first television appearance in 1965 when he heard a live Guaraldi performance on the radio. He insisted to be taken to the club and, upon arrival, introduced himself to Guaraldi and offered the already Grammy-winning artist the chance to score the upcoming Peanuts special for ABC. Guaraldi accepted and the rest is history. Besides being one of the best selling jazz albums of all time, A Charlie Brown Christmas is an American classic. I defy you to not get nostalgic listening to Guaraldi's serene but playful, joyous but respectful, and altogether sublime piano playing here. And the track I refer you to here is not even a Christmas song in the traditional sense of the word. "Linus and Lucy" had crossover appeal beyond the realm of a traditional Christmas song. So much so in fact that it became the theme for Peanuts specials later on. "Linus and Lucy" has all the joy, all the giddiness and all the unfettered beauty that come with the holiday season. But Guaraldi achieves this joy without resorting to sappy major chord swells, without cheesy lyrics, without twinkling sleighbells. This is a complex, intricate jazz piece with all the skill and precision jazz fans might expect from such an accomplished musician. But since it was introduced to the masses as a Christmas favorite, it has become a holiday tradition in many homes across the U.S. This song is a Christmas masterpiece.



Christmas came early this year, everyone. Unwrap these unabashedly original and unique holiday tracks and get into the season. Merry Christmas.